Troika Tuesday: Sixes All The Way Down
The Numer after 5: Diluvian Conspiracy?
An Essay
Mucius Quill, Sage Denigrate. Foreword by Trudo Sourness, Sage Exchequer of the Purple Lyceum.
This Rebuked Edition first printed: Suffrages, Year of the Living Dead, by order of the Purple Saint.
Troika: Lyceum Press.
The moral rights of the author have been retracted.
foreword
I write to you, dear reader, from the Tame Gazebo in Quill Park. It is an island of idyll. From its shaded epicentre the grand slopes of green lawn hoist the horizon steeply to the heavens, a solid but soothing balm against the hustle and bustle of our tumultuous Sphere. One could almost forget that a scant six years ago, this topographical depression was a smoking pit of obsidian and carbonised tissue.
Mucius Quill began his adulthood with acclaim. He cast off the petty criminality of childhood as the moth disrobes itself of pupal shroud, flying fast and true into the baleful light of metaphysical research.
His early discoveries brought much-needed empiricism into the separate fields of demonology and numerology1. Alongside the individual who would become the Purple Saint, he ushered out the age of demon hunters wearing death masks and spiked codpieces, of numerologists wreathed in eyewatering herb-smoke and vapid designer robes; and urged in an age of reason.
But these great strides took their toll, and his gait became twisted. The fell intermingling of numerology and demonology was a clear sign of his spiritual degradation. Quill's obsession with arbitrary numbers regretfully besmirched his once glowing reputation, and he began to sequester himself away from his colleagues.
When the Hexaganol Oblitorium went up in a demonic blaze, it was so hot that for the following year, the average temperature of Troika's lower atmosphere was raised by one degree. It was only by the Purple Saint's selfless actions that the Meatpackers Ward was saved from annihilation.
This clear, damning evidence of demonic corruption tainted Quill's name forever more. Perhaps it was a mercy that the flames consumed him, for he never got to face the scorn of the masses.
This Rebuked Edition of Quill's final manuscript goes some way towards rectifying that. Although you, dear reader, were robbed of the chance to peer in disgust at Quill's bruised form languishing in the stocks, perhaps you can find some satisfaction in wrinkling your nose at the mad theories contained within, stamping on the cover, or using its pages as toilet paper -- I know I did.
Within you will find the late sage's unabridged heretical scrawlings. The Rebuking comes in the form of footnotes by yours truly, adding much needed context and commentary. This author's hope is that it provides an illumination of the terrible dangers we sages face in our studies.
Saint's blessings upon you, dear reader.
Quill Park, Troika. 6th of Rivings, Year of the Squidblight
1. The Numer Sent From Hell To Kill Us
Last week, I made the greatest discovery in all of History. As a direct consequence, my life now approaches its bitter end.
I will state it in the clearest terms I can: The numer between 5 and 7 (referred to going forward simply as the Numer) did not exist and the world was perfect. Then the Numer was invented. It is an abyssal parasite of the most insidious nature. It infected physics, numerology, and the very minds of all sentient life. Being knotted into the very fibre of existence, the Numer ensured its repetition and therefore immortality. All computations suggest the same inevitable outcome: the doom of the Hump-Backed Sky.
2. Study of Probabilities
Our current reality is secretly propelled by the Numer. At great personal risk and expense, I have engaged in a probabilistic study of all extant matter. The full proofs are hidden2 where no Demons can find them, but I list here, in brief, some of the most significant revelations:
- Thorough physiognomic testing of random samples reveals that the basic mental and physical aptitudes of all beings ('Skill'), regardless of genealogic relation, exist on an absolute scale with increments
- The given chance N of a given entity X of encountering any other given entity Y is precisely equal to .3
- The Troikan Calendar is composed of Numer months of Numer weeks, each Numer days long, the days lasting Numer hours each. No record exists of this calendar's author.
- Fate itself has been observed to be a reality-warping subatomic particle composed of Numer quarks. These particles form transient bonds in quantities no greater than twelve -- double the Numer!4 -- to the life force in any given individual. The effects of these particles on the host are, in our parlance, ascribed to rude Luck.
- The emotional livelihood of all beings can be universally mapped by a star diagram comprised of Numer unique 'miens', which colour and describe their quintessential outlook on the world. There is a probability at any given moment of a particular mien being displayed outwardly.5
- The volume of any physical container can be computed in units divisible by the Numer.6
- Covert, quantitative study of the prayer rituals of Demonic scions revealed a precise probability of breaching inter-Sphere boundaries and initiating contact with an abyssal deity.7
3. The Demon Conspiracy
The secret power of the Numer was my first discovery. What came next was to understand why. Why, in this universe so varied and unknowable, was this single Numer so profoundly constant, so predictable?
It was my study of the demon-scions that led me to the Demon Sea. My travails were long and arduous, costing my left leg and nearly my sanity8, but I succeeded in locating what no person had found before: The Hexaganol Orrery.
Deep, deep beneath the scorching waves, this work of primordial mega-architecture is the engine powering the Numer's slow domination of reality. Its unfathomable complexity requires legions of demons to maintain it. Even today, I do not know if it serves the demons, or the demons it. Nor do I know which came first.
I was, however, able to incontrovertibly establish that the Numer is an alien manifestation from the Demon Sea, and its dominance spells our certain doom.
4. Closing Remarks
The discovery of this foul plot has made me a lightning rod for the malfeasances of demons the universe over. Even now, I smell sulphur9; my end comes.
My only hope is with you, dear reader. I urge you to locate my proofs, wherein I have encoded the location of the Orrery and the means of its destruction. Once you have found them, do not turn back; you will be followed. All our fates depend on you. I would wish you Luck, but that itself would be akin to casting a hex on you.
If nothing else, obey this imperative: Utter not the true name of the Numer, the foul digit between five and seven.
something that, in this author's opinion, should not be discounted simply on the grounds of Quill's later crimes.↩
convenient, as these supposed proofs are also unlocatable by peer reviewers.↩
demonstrably false.↩
to imply that the power of this 'demonic numer' extends even to its multiples smacks heavily of a conspiracy theory with a tenuous grip on reality at best.↩
regrettably, this is the sole Quillian theory that has broken into the public consciousness, thanks to the slurry of tabloid columnists and palm readers who use its pseudoscientific taxonomy to con their audiences.↩
this is true, but only in that it is also true of any other number.↩
this is essentially a self-admission of Quill's latter association with dark powers.↩
Quill's years-long expedition to the Demon Sea is actually verifiable from multiple sources. That he went there is true, even if nothing else is. It is sadly self-evident that the loss of sanity was not near; rather, it was absolute.↩
Sulphur has no association whatsoever with demons. It is the sacred incense of the Purple Saint. What strange and heretical accusation Quill was making in his last words, we shall never know. It is likely nothing more than a verbal spasm, the reflexive last gasp of a mind gone utterly off the edge.↩