so, you've been turned into a pig

05 Jan, 2026

magic pig (background)

Maria Klass Kazanowska: Studies of Pigs.

In the provincial Spheres, Swineform¹ is a curse; a bogeyman; the bane of impudent sorcerers. Villagers dye their pigs and count them carefully in the morning and evening. By contrast, the average Troikan refuses pork and is probably related to a magical pig, or at least sees one every week at their regular poker game.

Adv. skills
-3 [any language requiring lips]
3 Pigdgin (the rhyming tongue of swine)
2 Animal Fighting

special magic pigs keep their old Skill, Stamina, and Luck. Advanced Skills that require lips or thumbs take a -3 (negative skills are possible), but are otherwise retained. Finally, roll a d66 on the pig quirks table at the bottom.

Swillton, Troika

Joos de Momper: Winter landscape with skaters and a pig market.

Troika is humid and 300° Kelvin for three quarters of the year. Famously unable to sweat, pigs need to wallow. They have thusly colonized the Eelwise River's vast eastern mudflats. In winter, the pigs open ice skating rinks and stoke huge bonfires to soften the frozen mud.

Boss Hog

James Ward: Gloucestershire Old Spot.

Old, war-scarred mafia boss of Swilltown. His warthog henchmen wallow in the shadows, policing the indentured eel farmers and rubbish-sifters. Newcomers with the Enporcelment gene(see quirks table) are quickly singled out and recruited into the Night Pigs, a gang of porcine thieves.

Onboarding office

Kept spotless -- first impressions are important. Newly transformed pigs are greeted here. All are offered a host family and a low level job in the eel flats or the river grilles. If accepted, you will spend the rest of your days paying off debt. Pig Mafiosos (skill 7, stam 14, init 2, dmg as small beast) watch carefully from behind gilded one-way mirrors.

eel flats

Pigs snuffle through the churning slime, dragging nets in their mouths. The eels are taken to a vast open-air abattoir where they get made into shoes and pies. Occasionally a giant eel surfaces, causing widespread chaos. They are normally either slain and paraded as a prize catch, or chased into the sewers where they lick their wounds.

giant eel / Skill 5 / Stamina 8 / Initiative 2 / Damage as Jolt

Mien
1: Enraged
2: Desperate to recover its brood of 20 baby eels (on route to abattoir)
3: Thirsty
4: Swallowing a pig whole
5: Beneficent
6: River saint. Whale sized, ancient, covered in offerings -- hurting it incurs citizens' outrage

river grilles

Industrial sieves collect Troika's effluvia. Small, nimble pigs are favoured for the task of sifting through the accreted rubbish for items of potential value.
how do I sift?
Test Luck. If successful, compare the result to the list below.
3-: 1d6 RANDOM SPELL SCROLLS.
4-5: A PAMPHLET for Witch-Con.
6-7: A ROOM KEY for a top floor room at the Blancmange & Thistle.
9-10: DEMON-TEAK FURNITURE worth d666p. Heavy and unwieldy.
11+: 11 PROVISIONS.

Note: The Sand Sifting tables from Acid Death Fantasy are a highly recommended resource.

If unsuccessful, encounter one of the following:
1: Harpy.
2: Giant Eel.
3: 5 Goblins, eager to test their recovered Fusil.
4: 12 Gremlins breaking each other out of jars.
5: 1d36 Owls.
6: A very unhappy Boggart, washed out of his Hole.

this fucking sucks, how do I stop being a pig?

Fine, be that way. To truly reverse a curse, petition a Saint or Sphinx (or God, on Spheres other than Troika). If they are feeling generous -- or are in need of something you can acquire -- your wish will be granted.

The layman's option is to snuffle out a Parchment Witch. Expertise in the theft and reattachment of skin and body parts makes regaining a bipedal, thumb-equipped body trivial. It just won't be yours.

quirks

#troika-tuesday